


Howl

by the_interuniversal_geometer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, For the most part, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Body Horror, Missing Scene, One Shot, Pining, Self-Hatred, Sirius's guilt complex, it's canon compliant after all, suicidal behavior, though only a bit of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25833301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_interuniversal_geometer/pseuds/the_interuniversal_geometer
Summary: During the full moon Sirius can hear Remus howling in the Shrieking Shack from his cave in the Forbidden Forest.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48
Collections: Wolfstar Hurt Fest





	Howl

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the Florence and the Machine song of the same name. Huge thanks to Jess for betaing this fic! She helped me wrangle all of the tenses as well and I couldn’t have done it without her. I included more details about the transformation because my friend Andrew told me not to, and this is a specific fuck you to him. Fuck you, Andrew.

Sirius can hear the howling. It started earlier tonight than it had last month. He can remember what it was like the first time Remus had transformed, the first time he had been able to keep Remus company during the most difficult and painful night of the month for him, the time when he was simultaneously the strongest and most vulnerable. Remus had been unspeakably grateful to his friends for becoming Animagi. But Sirius was also secretly grateful to Remus for trusting him, for letting them into that part of his life, to that great secret that seemed to consume him sometimes.

Sirius remembers the immense joy he felt to be able to keep his friend company, to be able to help him when none before had been able to. He remembers that as the moment it began, the warmth that had eventually transformed to love. He was the one that Remus told first, in confidence, and he was the one who had found the solution. He may not have treated school with any degree of seriousness (ha), but he knew how to study, how to do research. After all, he’d had to do the requisite research in gaining his emancipation from his family when he was young and that was no mean feat.

It breaks his heart to be apart from Remus during the full moon, worse now because he can hear Remus at night, can see him worn down and ragged before and after the full moon. The betrayal he felt for so long escapes him at times like these—all the pain at having been left to rot in prison forgotten when he can hear the anguished cries of his friend somewhere that he dares not follow.

He misses Remus so much it aches sometimes. He misses James of course, like the brother he wishes he had growing up, but Remus is _alive,_ so close he can hear him, but seems so far away, as if Sirius were still in Azkaban. He can’t even blame Remus for abandoning him. He deserves it, after all. It was _his_ fault that James was dead, that Lily was dead, and he will do whatever penance he can: for failing them, for failing Regulus, his true brother, whom he had sworn to protect but abandoned in Slytherin, had let him follow the Dark Lord and die at eighteen. He failed those most important to him, so why not Remus, too?

It's his fault that Remus is in pain and alone now—it's always been his fault that Remus has been alone all these years. It’s just now more apparent than ever to Sirius, now that Remus is so close Sirius can feel the echo of his howling in his bones. He feels it so much more acutely, the loss of their friends, of each other. If Sirius hadn’t killed Lily and James, hadn’t failed Remus then, he wouldn’t be so alone now. Sirius is still failing Remus, even now. Not just in having failed to kill Pettigrew, but in failing to keep him company during these difficult nights. Sirius knows how much it pained him to go through these transformations each month, the sudden stretching of his limbs, feeling as if all his bones were breaking and muscles being pulled at once.

When Sirius remembers Remus’s transformations, he can still picture the way Remus's skin would stretch like putty until it was paper-thin in some places, translucent over the muscles and bone beneath and following the grotesque contortions of his limbs. His hips and elbows would twist, transforming him from biped to a quadruped with all the grace of a broom crash, leaving Remus screaming in agony, his cries turning into howling partway through the transformation.

//

It’s almost the full moon and Sirius is already dreading it. He doesn’t think he can bear listening to Remus howling, alone, in the Shrieking Shack. At times like this, he wishes he had even that damnable orange cat to keep him company but really, isn’t this what he deserves? To be alone and suffering?

The only problem is, _Remus_ doesn’t deserve to be alone, to suffer, and Sirius is allowing that to happen. He is complicit in his friend’s continued pain and if he can ease it, if only for a night, isn’t he obligated to? Even at the cost of his freedom, his life? At this point, it might be worth it, if only so that Remus's suffering could be eased somewhat. 

He’s made up his mind, then. 

Sirius pads over to the Shack under the cover of night. He can’t quite hear Remus yet, but he knows he’ll be able to soon enough. He needs to wait until he is certain Remus has already transformed, for even though he wishes dearly to be able to help him through the painful transformation, he knows that he can’t let Remus know he had been there.

It’s been years since he has done this, but his body still has the instincts, the ability to effortlessly dodge the Whomping Willow’s branches until he reaches the knot at its base. He presses it and the tree stills, allowing him entrance to the tunnel beneath. He bounds through the passageway and stops at the closed door. It takes a few tries, but he’s able to turn it and darts inside, shutting the door with his nose. 

He’s met with the face of an enormous wolf with his teeth bared. It seems that Remus is suspicious of him, even in wolf form. Sirius lets out a playful bark, trying to calm Remus down as if to say _You know me_. Remus does not back down and instead growls menacingly at him. Sirius isn’t sure how to react; It’s been years since Remus’s wolf form has been aggressive towards him and he tries to remember what he should be doing. 

While he thinks, though, Remus pounces on him, biting down savagely on the front of his face and raking his teeth over Sirius’s snout. Sirius lets out a pained noise and scrambles backwards. 

Remus chases him down, though, and manages to get a good bite in, tearing at his forepaw with his sharp teeth before Sirius can escape his grasp. _I’m your friend!_ Sirius wants to yell at him, but he isn’t sure if that’s still true. Remus is Sirius’s friend, but Sirius definitely isn’t Remus’s. Maybe it should be _I love you!_ but Sirius can’t say anything in the form he’s currently in, and Remus wouldn’t be able to hear him anyway. Even if he could say it, would it even mean anything anymore? All these years later, all this betrayal, would it even matter what they had between them at one point?

Sirius backs up into a corner of the room and lets out a low keening noise. He has foolishly trapped himself in here with a man who is no longer his partner, no longer his friend, no longer his _anything._ Maybe he shouldn’t have come. Maybe Remus will be the one to finish him off. He can make it easy, Sirius thinks, as easy as rolling over and letting Remus just end it, end him. 

Sirius rolls over onto his back and closes his eyes. If anyone should have the privilege of claiming his death, it should be Remus, who he has hurt so much, has let down. Remus pauses, though, not moving towards Sirius anymore. He lets out a low bark and then stalks forward, but where Sirius is expecting pain, he instead feels the soft bumping of Remus’s snout on his stomach. 

He opens his eyes. Remus is kneeling, perpendicular to him. Remus lays his head down fully onto Sirius’s stomach and Sirius lifts his head slightly. He lets out a questioning yip. _Is this forgiveness?_ Remus doesn’t answer, not as such; he just sniffles a bit into Sirius’s fur.

Sirius lies there, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest. Remus prods at Sirius’s form again with his snout as if to tell him to get up. Slowly, Sirius rises. Remus watches him from his prone position on the ruined wooden floor.

When Sirius is fully upright, Remus sits up a bit and back on his haunches. Sirius starts wagging his tail and barks once, quietly. _Are we okay?_ Remus stands up and headbutts him lightly. Sirius’s tail wags faster, _thump-thumping_ against the floor.

Sirius starts circling the room, followed by Remus, faster and faster until they are chasing each other. Remus catches up to him and pounces, trapping Sirus under his much larger paws and biting playfully at him. When Remus nips at him now, he can tell that it is only that, play, so he growls and tries to flip them over.

Remus lets him and Sirius nips back at him. They continue wrestling and play-fighting long into the night, eventually tiring themselves out and laying down to rest, curling up with each other. Sirius breathes in deeply while he lies there, exhausted and happy for the first time in twelve years. He knows it can’t last, though. He has to get up, has to leave before Remus transforms back into a human. As much as he wishes to see him in person, Sirius knows that he shouldn’t have had even this much of him.

He has stolen these moments with Remus that he never should have allowed himself to take, curled up and breathing together in the Shrieking Shack, the moonlight shining a single beam of light through a dingy window. Sirius can see the destruction that surrounds them, both from the current full moon and all those previous ones, many years ago. He knows that he must leave, that he shouldn’t have even come. He lets himself linger a moment longer, though, nuzzling into the sleeping werewolf’s fur and just breathing in. It is as close to an _I love you_ as he can get, in this moment, and just for that, it is worth it.


End file.
